Parents experience very common problems such as tantrums, attitude, hitting, biting, etc. They wish for some ideas on how to handle the situations within their parenting style, with consideration for their child’s age, temperament, personality, gender, and love language. Read on for some help to common behavior problems that local parent coaches have advised on.

Where do parents learn about parenting? Some parents learn best by watching videos on the Internet, some like to attend lectures, and some like to read books. Many parents like the benefit of classes to commiserate and support other parents and learn hands-on skills. Other parents prefer to share anecdotes with friends and families and get their handle on things and hopefully some ideas might apply to their situation. For many parents, though, a parenting coach can offer many benefits, which include individual focused help and attention on their families and their unique problems, and also the privacy of not going to a public forum such as classes or lectures.

How is coaching different from other methods of parenting information delivery? Dulcie Gretton, a certified parenting coach, explains, “Coaching is not so much about giving advice as much as it is creating and finding solutions together with the parent that the parent is willing to try. It is a process of supporting parents to be very intentional about the kind of family they want to grow and taking steps toward that. Along the way, I might offer a story about what worked in my parenting, or suggest some strategies to meet a challenge and encourage and support the parent to choose what fits for her. Coaching is a transformative process (parents and families are changed in really positive ways) that ideally takes place over a number of months and a minimum of eight sessions.”

Parent Challenge #1: “Bedtime is a battle. My child refuses to go to bed.”

Parent coaches’ advice: 

Dulcie Gretton: Look after your own sleep needs so you can bring your best self to this challenge. Young children often find it very difficult to let go of the day. Creating a gently compelling bedtime routine can go a long way to facilitating the transition from day to night, activity to repose. Incorporate special bedtime-only features that your child will find irresistible like warmed PJs, a favorite story, a soothing massage, a prolonged cuddle.

If your child repeatedly gets out of bed or disrupts your own sleep, familiarize yourself with the variety of approaches for dealing with sleep challenges. Engage your creative side and fashion a sleep ‘program’ that is respectful of your child’s temperament, stage of development and your uniqueness as a family.

Annie The Nanny: Other than trying to find out the cause of your child’s resistance and dealing with it, consider the following: Is your child getting enough daily physical activity? Has the TV been turned off at least two hours before bed? Are you offering a predictable, comforting and unrushed bedtime routine? To help your child settle, try to keep your tone low, your voice calm and your expectations clear.

Parent Challenge #2: “My daughter talks back to me when I ask her to do something.”

Parent coaches’ advice:

Dulcie Gretton: Accept that transitions from one thing to another can be difficult to make willingly. At the same time, stand up for yourself and adopt a standard response, something like, “I don’t like it when someone speaks disrespectfully to me. It’s not okay. Please try again.” When you need to make a request, enter your child’s space both physically and emotionally. “You sure are enjoying those stickers. In five minutes, I am going to ask you to wash your hands and come to the dinner table. I’m going to go back to the kitchen now and set the table.” When this happens smoothly, describe how much you value her cooperation.

Cathie Pelly: Acknowledge what she is feeling and then explain that while it is okay to feel that way, it is not okay to speak that way. Point out that you don’t talk to her with that tone or those words (and this is where you have to be aware of how you speak to her) and you expect the same consideration. Walk away, if needed, and say you can talk about it after you have both had a bit of a time-out from each other.

Annie The Nanny: The key is to stay calm and make it clear to your child that you don’t talk to each other in such a disrespectful way. If she needs time to collect herself, suggest a time-out period, if that’s what’s necessary for her to be more helpful. Make sure that when you talk to your child that you’re also polite and that you try and make eye contact when you ask her to do something.

Parent Challenge #3: “My daughter is two and has quite a few tantrums.”

Parent coaches’ advice:

Dulcie Gretton: Develop a relaxation technique to stay calm yourself and remind yourself that tantrums are a sign of healthy development as your child practices independence. At this age, ambition outstrips ability, frustration builds and a tantrum ensues. Accept your child’s intense experience of feelings and limit her behavior. Allow the tantrum to run its course, keeping your child safe. Later, you can debrief the tantrum with your child, offer her a vocabulary to describe her feelings and assure her of your support to learn better ways. Congratulate yourself on your amazing ability to transcend tantrums!

Cathie Pelly: ‘Behavior is language’ and unfortunately young children don’t always have the words or the experience to let you know what the issue is for them. The other part of this is that until they are good with the words and the understanding, they have a tendency to use their bodies to let us know what is working for them and what isn’t. As a parent, this requires a lot of patience and a lot of awareness to be able to note what precedes the tantrums. Children need their feelings acknowledged first, time to work out what they are feeling, and guidance towards appropriate ways of acting out their feelings.

Annie The Nanny: Some tantrums are to be expected, but if they’re excessive, ask yourself whether you have introduced decision-making too early into your child’s life. Asking questions starting with, “Do you want?” This produces a cascade of conflicting emotions in your toddler. Did they like it last time? Will they again? You are the adult and the leader, yet you seem not to know what you want to do. Your toddler tries to make a decision but is ill equipped at this stage of life and you’ll see the insecurity they feel reflected in their behavior. Try, “Let’s go” instead of, “Do you want?”

Parent Challenge #4: “My two children are constantly fighting with each other.”

Parent coaches’ advice:

Dulcie Gretton: Pay more attention to the moments when caring and cooperation prevail and simply describe your enjoyment of these out loud. When a dispute erupts, calmly voice your concern and ensure your children’s physical safety. Express your confidence in their ability to work out a solution and remind them of your availability to assist them in this. Ask: How might I replace the perceived need to treat each child equally with the real need to love each of them uniquely?

Cathie Pelly: It has to be understood that children lack any self-regulation at birth and it is through a process of learning from their environments that they learn how to treat each other with respect. As parents, this translates into teaching them how to voice what they need and how to get their needs met without fighting. This can take time and requires perseverance on the part of the parent. A problem-solving strategy will be required and modeled along with house rules that apply to everyone in the house.

Annie The Nanny: First, don’t rush in. See if they can handle it. If it escalates, make sure you don’t provide the extra negative attention that will perpetuate the behavior. Stay calm. A cooling-off period is a good idea. Help them come up with suggestions on ways they could resolve the conflict.

Parent Challenge #5: “My toddler hits her friends on playdates.”

Parent coaches’ advice:

Dulcie Gretton: Supervise, supervise, supervise. And when hitting happens, intervene immediately, effectively and gently. Say something like, “No hitting. Hitting hurts.” Turn your attention to the injured child and extend a gesture of comfort and repair. Your child can help you fetch a compress or tissue and offer it to their playmate. As equilibrium is restored, help your child name the feeling that prompted the hitting. Have him sit with you to watch how to play properly for a few minutes and then send him back into play to do better.

Cathie Pelly: Young children talk with their bodies. As parents, this can be frustrating and it means that we need to be very active in supervising children playing together so we can intervene before they get too frustrated and act out what they are feeling. Along with this, we acknowledge the child’s feelings while at the same time showing them how you expect them to behave.

Annie The Nanny: If it happens only occasionally, get down on your child’s level and emphasize the no hitting rule and then help them make amends. If it has become a continuous problem, warn your child up-front that if they hit on a playdate, you can and will go home. If it happens, provide a simple and calm explanation of what you’re doing and why. When your child knows that you will follow through with action, the behavior will cease.

Parent Challenge #6: “My preschooler hates everything I serve him. He is quite the picky eater.”

Parent coaches’ advice:

Dulcie Gretton: Picky eaters are often in the eye of the beholder. Take a longer view, say weekly or bi-weekly, of the quantity and quality of your child’s food intake. Expand your perception of his food preferences to include other indicators of genuine health, growth and vitality. Teach him early about Canada’s food rainbow and about the importance of having something from each food group. Allow him to make his own choices from each and involve him in the selection and preparation of snacks and meals. You cannot start this habit too young!

Cathie Pelly: To reduce conflicts around eating, there are some simple guidelines that can be used. Have a variety of good foods in the house and eat those foods yourself. Talk about the foods you choose to eat and why. Let your children help plan and prepare well-balanced meals and nutritious snacks. Eat a variety of foods prepared in different ways. Recognize that children’s appetites change and if most of the food put in front of them is healthy and they are healthy, don’t make an issue around food.