All too often, the result of this high pressure climate is that parenting becomes a democracy, where children are offered too many choices, too few consequences and become the centre of power in their family. Parents cycle through phases of feeling helpless, getting angry, feeling guilty, trying to compensate for having gotten angry, only to lose power once again.

“Jason, it’s time to go!” says his mother as she prepares to leave the playground. Jason, four years old, does not look pleased with this news and scrambles up higher on the monkey bars. His mother collects her things, says goodbye to the other parents and then tries again.

“Jason, – really time to go now. Come down, please! We have to go because your sister needs a nap.” His mother begins to feel slightly desperate as her son continues to defy her, and she wonders inwardly how this looks in front of the other parents. Jason stays put on the monkey bars and looks at his mother defiantly, as she stares up at him trying to figure out what to do. She feels mad, embarrassed and powerless. As a last effort, she tries to scare him into coming down, “Okay, fine then! I’m just going to go now…,” she begins to walk away towards the car, “you can just stay here and live at the park! Bye!”

She continues her walk, and Jason watches her trying to gauge her intentions. Finally, his threshold is reached and he begins to wail and yell as he descends from his perch. He screams angrily as he follows his mother to the car and by the time they meet each other, he is in a full-blown meltdown.

The job of parenting our children has never been harder. Parents today are constantly besieged with information regarding brain development, best parenting practices and how everything from bottle feeding to sleep training can impact self-esteem. The parents I see in my practice are frequently over-informed and overwhelmed and question their own natural intuition about their children.

With the reality of the pressures parents are under at this time in history combined with the varied and often conflicting messages most parents get about how best to parent, it’s not surprising that power is out of balance in many parenting relationships. When kids find themselves in situations with too much power or authority in the family system or simply within the parenting relationship, they often experience higher levels of anxiety, anger and frustration. These same kids act out, spend a lot more time testing boundaries and can be experienced as disrespectful, rude and difficult with both peers and adults.

When parents are grounded in their own knowing, they parent with authority, confidence and ease. This restores a sense of security for the child. The parent who is an unquestioned leader is like a benevolent dictator who is attuned and empathic with the child and clearly in charge of the child and the parenting relationship. When a parent is able to offer this, we see children with a greater sense of security, greater capacity for self-regulation and an enhanced attachment relationship between parent and child.

Key elements of restoring the balance of power as a parent:

Self-awareness: Understanding your own childhood experiences and how these have shaped your parenting choices. In what way are you ‘doing it differently’ than your own parents? How are you overcompensating for your own experience? What are your values? What strengths do you bring? What are your blind spots? Parent from who you are.

Awareness of who you are parenting: Understanding your child’s preferences, interests, sensitivities and general orientation to the world. Not cookie cutter parenting, but instead parenting who you’ve got. 

Power over your own emotions. Probably the greatest barrier to maintaining the balance of power between parent and child is the parent’s ability to contain their own emotions and offer neutral responses and consequences with real empathy. As soon as a parent erupts with anger, shouts or reacts emotionally, they lose the power in the relationship. 

Consistency, confidence, clarity. Parenting with integrity means you are aligned with your values; this instills confidence for both you and your child. Offering clear limits and boundaries consistently restores a child’s sense of security and clearly establishes the parent as the unquestioned leader.


Jennifer Raymond-Bhatt and Kelly Fredell are Registered Psychologists. If you are interested in participating in their parenting course or making an individual appointment please call 403-245-2786 or www.healthinmind.ca.