Getting back to school means granting our kids more independence and letting go of our own need to protect them from everything. Being a parent of two young boys, I have wondered if they would make it through their school years unscathed by the personal experience of being bullied. I remember being bullied when I was about six by a boy that would wait at the edge of the schoolyard, directly on my path home, and physically and emotionally torment me. His big sister targeted my older sister, just like team wrestling without the ring. After about six months, we finally got the courage to tell my dad, who put a stop to it.

I had a wonderful experience this year to see ‘the bully’ role in new light. Pretend for a moment that you are a bully. Get past your judgments of what you don’t like about it and be in that space long enough to find what really works for you there. I was shocked and amazed when I realized to how similar I am to ‘the bully.’ I am a born leader, generally a loud one, I love to get my way, be in control and influence others. Hhhmmm, so what do I do with this information?

Well, have you ever thought ‘the bully’ is actually a great leader that needs to be shown some constructive ways to express that? The bully role they play may only show up in isolated incidents or doing specific activities where they are feeling threatened or less than positive about themselves. Bullies may teach other children how to set boundaries and express them. What if ‘the bully’ would teach kids how to positively treat other people, include and be tolerant of others?

Making the shift is not insurmountable if we start early. Unfortunately we tend to shut down or shut out ‘the bully’ perhaps missing the greatest calling for them. We would rather remove them from the system entirely than hone the natural skills they exhibit to create tremendous value. Aren’t we treating ‘the bully’ in the exact way we perceive them treating others? So what are we modeling for ‘the bully,’ really?

Are we building self-esteem in all children or only those that already have some? As a leader, I want to create a world full of leaders, not just using the children that already have it mastered. During a conversation I had with my ‘little’ teacher, I praised him about being a born leader. His response was that it was really hard and he didn’t feel very good at it. Yes, a born leader feeling very low about himself and openly wanting some instruction on how to do it differently.

Next time you experience a child that ‘rubs you the wrong way,’ I challenge you to praise them. Name the leadership quality you just witnessed in them and call it out in a positive way. Here are some phrases I am now using (these words may need to be adapted depending on the age of the child):

“My, you are very influential. How about doing that again and finding a way to include everyone?”

“It seems the other children follow your direction, will you make sure they each get a turn?”

“I see that being first in line is very important to you. As the leader, will you show the rest of the line how to wait patiently and quietly for the teacher?”

“You are a real expert at this game! Will you show the other children how to play too?”

There is little to lose in trying this new approach. The price, for our children and us, is much higher if we don’t.