A mom came to me in tears dreading the upcoming school year. Her 12-year-old daughter’s advanced-math skills have outstripped her own ‘barely-remembered-high-school-math’ abilities and she feels… well… stupid!

Indeed, it is a strange feeling when a child surpasses you at something. Parents frequently report that they can no longer help their children with math or science because it is too complex - and this makes them feel inadequate. Others are in awe that their kids are so much better at a particular sport than the parent ever was or will be. Some parents feel they can’t guide their children about fashion or advise them on how to be socially successful. Their children’s needs in these areas are beyond their own life experience or ability. This makes them feel that in some ways their child’s world is challenging their adequacy as parents.

In addition, children and teens can cause parents to feel even worse with impatient comments of dismissal such as, “You’re no help” or “You don’t understand anything!” Clearly, the world of our children is different from the one in which we grew up. You might not be able to solve every problem your child faces. You may have to employ tutors, call on fashion-conscious, hipper younger aunts or seek out sports coaches.

But it doesn’t matter! Having skills that surpass those of your child is not what makes you a great parent! The fact is, only you can teach your child that what really matters is not what you wear, how smart or popular you are or how great you are at throwing a ball. None of these is important at all unless you are also honest and hardworking, a good friend and a respectful, loving family member.

But, you will only be able to convey this message when you truly believe it yourself. So if your child exclaims with exasperation that you “just don’t get it,” realize that actually you do - and you still have plenty to teach!

This is the perfect opportunity to discuss the importance of talking to others patiently and politely - even when they are frustrated. It is okay to tell your child that such disdain or impatience is hurtful to the person on the receiving end (in this case, you) as well as being disrespectful.

Similarly, don’t be swept off your feet by a child’s excellent grades or athletic performance. Rather, ask yourself the following questions about your child:

• Do they generously help peers who are not as smart - without making others feel stupid?
• Are they a good team player on the ball field - even when their team loses?
• Do they express appreciation for your attempts to help - whether it is hiring a tutor or doing your best to fumble through yourself?

If you can honestly answer “Yes” to all these questions, then your child is on the right path! But if your answer feels more like a “No,” your focus needs to be upon your child’s character development.

Only you can truly invest enough time and energy in your child to help them develop the skills necessary to be a genuinely good person. And there is no tutor or coach who can hold a candle to that.