Where does peace begin? In the home! If we teach peaceful problem-solving to our children, they will bring those skills into the world. What do you think the world would be like if we had more compassionate leaders to promote world peace? Peace starts in the home and moves outward to the world.

What is the toughest part of parenting? I think most parents would say everyday household conflicts, relationship drama and sick kids. And, like it or not, moms are usually the home ‘sheriffs’ and the ones charged with ‘putting out the fires.’

Momagers® (mom and manager) must be great problem-solvers and efficient ‘firefighters’ who can quell the almost daily sibling or spousal flare-ups. Effective mothering, put simply, requires fine-tuned conflict management skills.

Nothing wears down parents more than conflict. You know what I’m talking about – the fighting, sibling rivalry, jockeying for position to get the bigger half of a cookie or a better seat in the mini-van. It’s enough to drive you crazy.

Chances are, if you’re a mom who has made it through childbirth, the terrible twos or teenager years, you know a thing or two – or 1,058 things – about conflict. You’ve lived to learn all about temper tantrums, the “gimmes” and ‘melt-downs.’ You’ve seen some of the best and worst behavior. An effective Momager® knows that fires have to be put out properly, or people can get burned.

As a parent of three, I have dealt with an enormous range of emotions; my children’s emotions and mine – simultaneously. Nothing prepared me for the bubbling joy, anger, elation, embarrassment, and downright passion I would feel for these children. Sometimes the fire got ‘out of control.’ As a leadership development trainer and Momager®, I got plenty of practice applying conflict management techniques. I’ve learned how to problem-solve and negotiate like the best of ‘em. You can too. Hopefully, my hard work will result in my children being well-adjusted adults, who value peace and harmony in every part of their lives.

Why does conflict exist? Conflicts arise out of differences between people, goals, values, and ways of doing things. Conflict can occur for a zillion different reasons. Anything from, “Mom, he looked at me!” to “She took my gum” can rapidly erupt into a full-scale drama, if not dealt with appropriately. Because life happens so fast, we have to invest time and energy exploring different problem-solving techniques so we’re ready for anything. Doing this right helps all our family members feel valued and appreciated.

While teaching a conflict management course, one of the most eye-opening moments for me comes when people realize they have control over how they deal with conflict. If handled well, people understand each other in a deeper way. Healing happens. Relationships reunite. If conflict is handled poorly, crippling effects occur. People feel discouraged or demoralized. One of life’s greatest pains is when we are misunderstood from our family - the people who love us the most.

You have many super powers when dealing with conflicts and solving problems, but be sure to use your powers judiciously. What you do today will affect generations to come. Your kids will bring their problem-solving abilities into their families. A cycle of healing or pain will continue depending on how you handle this delicate subject.

This process contains the magic of solving problems while retaining everyone’s self-worth. It can be used at home or at work. Teach your kids or co-workers how to use it to solve their own problems.

1. What is the problem? Whose problem is it? The first step in resolving a problem or conflict is to define it. In one sentence, identify what the problem really is and who should ‘own it.’ Have each of the kids clearly explain the problem from their viewpoint. Everyone has to be clear about what the problem is.

Sample problem: The kitchen is messy after dinner. Who’s responsible? Three kids.

2. Discuss impacts. How does this conflict make people feel? As a parent, you want to ask questions like, “Who was affected by this incident?” Ask, “How do you think your behavior makes me feel?” This is vitally important because it develops accountability for our actions and empathy for other people’s feelings and opinions.

Impact – “I feel frustrated and taken advantage of. I don’t like being the only one doing the dishes.” (Yep, those are my exact words.)

3. What is causing the problem? Much like an investigation team finds out what caused a fire, you must determine what caused the issue you want to solve. Dig deep for the true root cause(s). Many times, the solution of the problem can be found in the cause.

Causes: Kids don’t pick up their plates. There’s no clear direction. Parents are too exhausted to follow up with kids to do their job.

4. What are possible solutions? This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. It’s time to solve the problem. Instead of looking at constraints and rules, open your mind to creative options. Sit around the dinner table or have a family meeting to brainstorm all the options. Assign a note-keeper to jot down all the ideas. Think of all the ways you can solve the problem.

Possible solutions: Get Lucy (the dog) to lick the plates. Take turns where one family member does all the cleaning up after dinner. Make a schedule and have one person clean up and another person do the dishes.

5. Select the best solution and make a plan to implement it. Hooray! You’ve made it to this point. Now you can decide on the best solution and have everyone commit to being involved in implementing it.

Best Solution: Make a chart so everyone takes turns and has the ‘privilege’ of serving the family.

There’s one wise mantra that every Superhero Momager® can recite over and over again: “If you’re part of the problem, you’re part of the solution.”

As you implement the new ideas, mistakes are bound to happen. Occasionally, you or your kids are going to get burned. When that happens, quickly douse the infected area with lots of love and apologies. Hugs, kisses, and chocolate pudding can heal almost anything.

After you use this problem-solving technique a few times, you’re going to see serious changes. Implementing this system takes some extra time up-front with planning, but the payoff is well worth it. People will stop yelling because they will know they are going to be heard. Kids will start to think about how their actions affect others. You won’t hear the sighs, slamming doors, or see the rolled eyes (at least not as much).

A new peaceful environment will emerge. You will see people expressing their honest thoughts and feelings. People will respectfully listen. You will explore new and creative ideas together. You will see kids who can express themselves clearly. You will see more cooperation, responsible behavior, and greater trust.

You’ll even find your kids are the ones others come to with their problems. Your child can help themself and others find answers to life’s most challenging questions. A common bond will connect your family when you work through difficult situations with respect and dignity. Most of all, you will see and feel peace in action.

Your child will learn independence and have more confidence, as they know they can solve their own problems. Children need to internalize their behavior and make good choices. If parents solve all the problems themselves, the child only behaves as a result of their parents’ presence. Children need to work through the process of solving their own problems. Parents can provide the training so kids can do it themselves.

I hope you will delight in your family as you watch people solving problems and working together! “We have overcome” converts to “We can overcome.” As you go through the day, realize how valuable you are in this problem-solving process. You are the teacher and coach. The ultimate goal is for you and your family to have peace, joy and happiness. You can promote peace – right in your home.

Don’t forget for even a moment that you’re a super hero to your family. As my son Steven says, “Mom, you set the ‘therMOMeter’ in the home.” You ready? You can do this. OK, put on your super hero cape. You’re equipped to be a “Super hero Momager®.” Up, up and away! 

Christine is the author of The Momager® Guide: Empowering Moms to Leave a Loving Legacy. She is recognized as a leading authority in leadership, life balancing, and Momager® topics. She is founder of the Momager® Movement, Camp Her Way, a facilitator of ‘edutainment' programs, and a sought-after speaker. For more information visit www.momager.com.