Solution #1: Suggest a parent-teacher-student conference. This arrangement is preferable to the standard parent-teacher meeting, because it identifies the fact that your child is responsible for his own behavior. Prior to the conference, take the time to sit down with your child and write out a list of questions, comments and possible solutions.

Solution #2: Avoid the reactive response, which is to punish your child. Punishment typically doesn’t solve the problem, but makes your child defensive and angry. Instead, enlist his cooperation to solve the problem. Discuss the facts and set a plan for solving the problem. Create a contract between you and your child that outlines specific expected behaviors. Include consequences for failure to meet the contract terms. Have your child sign the agreement and post the contract in a conspicuous place. Have a weekly discussion to review his progress.

Solution #3: Talk with the teacher about using a daily or weekly report system. (The determination of weekly or daily is dependent upon your child’s behavior, age, and the input from the teacher on this suggestion.) Create a simple form that says, “Steven’s behavior in class today was o acceptable or o unacceptable.” Photocopy a stack of forms and give them to the teacher. Request that the teacher sign one at the end of each day (or week). (Ask the teacher to include a positive comment on acceptable days.) Tell your child that he alone will be responsible for bringing home a form each day (or each Friday). If the form was forgotten, it will be assumed to be an “unacceptable” day. Each “acceptable” form will result in your child keeping all his usual privileges. Each “unacceptable” will result in a loss of privilege. You can set up the loss of privileges so that each negative report will add to the previous. As an example, if you are doing daily forms you might announce that the first “unacceptable” report would result in your child losing the privilege of using the telephone for the rest of the week. The second would result in loss of the use of his bicycle. The third, the loss of television watching privileges. Each Monday would begin anew. This method is intended to be a teaching device. Once your child’s behavior has improved, you can discontinue use of the forms. (If things start to slip again, you can repeat the process.)

Solution #4: If your child is having similar problems at home, it’s time to evaluate your parenting plan. Have you established control in your relationship with your child? Do you have specific consequences for misbehavior? Does your child clearly understand what is expected of him? Perhaps it would help if you took a parenting class or joined a parent-support group. Look for these at your local school, church or hospital.

Take advantage of your school’s guidance counselor or principal to help you evaluate and solve this dilemma.

Elizabeth is the author of Perfect Parenting. For more information visit www.pantley.com/elizabeth. (Excerpted with permission by NTC/Contemporary Publishing Group Inc. From Perfect Parenting, The Dictionary of 1,000 Parenting Tips by Elizabeth Pantley, Copyright 1999.)