There is no doubt that it has the potential to harm children in terms of their development. If a shy child is allowed to turn away from the world, if he never learns how to take control of the anxiety that paralyzes him or master the self-consciousness that plagues him, there is a good chance he will grow into a shy adult.” (Swallow, 2000, The Shy Child). Shy adults who do not have good coping skills can develop anxiety disorders or become severely depressed. Swallow states that shy adults often watch others’ “apparent social grace and wonder why they cannot interact with such ease” (Swallow, 2000, The Shy Child).

During his more than 25 years of research on friendship and peer influence, Dr. Kenneth Rubin has learned that children's skills in navigating their social worlds sculpt all dimensions of their emotional and intellectual growth. Dr. Rubin observes, “Once upon a time, a child's world of peers tended to be misunderstood, undervalued, or even largely ignored. A generation or two ago, mothers and fathers didn't worry all that much about their children's social lives”. (Rubin, 2002, The Friendship Factor). Today, we do care a great deal about children's social lives, according to Rubin. Teachers, parents, and other adults, who interact with children, view their friendships as tremendously significant.

Cathi Cohen, a licensed clinical social worker and certified group psychotherapist and a leading expert in the field of social skills training in children, believes that “poor social skills can improve with coaching. You, as a parent, can learn techniques to help your child and the positive results can be rapid and dramatic.” (Cohen, 2000, Raising Your Child's Social IQ). Rubin stresses that strong social skills are crucial to children's future success and happiness. Some children, especially shy ones, simply can't pick up social skills by themselves.

Consider these seven strategies for supporting your shy child's social and emotional skill development.

1. Discuss the importance of friends with your child. Be supportive and positive as you explain that you are going to help your youngster learn how to build necessary skills to nurture friendships.
2. Talk to the adults in your shy child's life including teachers, coaches, and daycare staff. They may provide you with valuable insights to help you and your child set realistic goals to overcome shy behaviors. A coach might reveal that your son usually avoids eye contact with team members. A teacher may observe that your daughter speaks very softly, spends free time on her own, and often seems uncomfortable when asked to speak in class.
3. Set some realistic and attainable social goals with your child. Cohen recommends that parents help children define what the goal is, who the goal will involve, when it is to be accomplished, and where the goal will be performed. For example: “Lisa will say hello, (what) to Jen (who) on Friday at soccer (when) on the soccer field (where).”
4. Review social goals with your child before social outings. For example: “Barry, what are you going to do when you first get to school?” “I'm going to go to where the kids are playing and ask if I can play too”.
5. Help your youngster nurture friendships through a variety of role modeling experiences during your daily activities together. Establish eye contact and look interested when you and your child are talking with others. Model signals that reveal you are listening, such as nodding your head with affirmation, and giving appropriate simple responses such as “yes” or “I know” during conversations. Discretely promote your shy child to use these strategies when you are interacting with other people. Practice these same strategies at home with your child as well.
6. Balance your child's life with structured activities and free play sessions. You may be tempted to place your reserved child in several structured activities in an attempt to nurture his or her social skill development. However, unstructured play dates often provide excellent environments for a shy child to learn and practice social skills.
7. Get involved with community activities. Neighborhood events are great ways for both parents and children to become connected. You may meet compatible families and your shy child may have a chance to make a new friendship.

“The shy label, if it is pasted on in childhood and reinforced by parental expectations, is restrictive and unfair. Shyness waxes and wanes over time. The child who was shy through elementary may have a great fifth grade year and enter middle school feeling confident and self-assured. This growth can't happen if he continually hears that he is ‘the shy one’” (Swallow, 2000, The Shy Child).

Parenting can be an exhausting job for which none of us is fully prepared. It is often very difficult to respond appropriately to a shy child's social dilemmas. However, “there is a lot that parents can do to teach their children social skills and to support their friendships” (Thompson, O’Neill Grace, and Cohen, 2001, Best Friends, Worst Enemies.