The less she talks, the more you worry. If you’ve been tempted to look, you’re not alone. Desperate parents will do anything to find out what their kids are doing.

You know it’s important to stay in touch with your teens. Frankly, it is your responsibility to be involved in their lives. Your active interest demonstrates your caring. Knowing as much as you can is also absolutely necessary if he or she messes up or there’s a crisis.

So how do you find out what you really need to know without snooping in her diary, searching the backpack, or reading that note left in his jeans pocket?

Does your family have a clear policy about privacy? If you consider it your right to look through their things when you put away laundry, then you need to tell them that you will. You may find out even more than you wanted to know if you browse through their e-mails, but you also stand to lose your child’s trust and respect in you when you snoop.

By the time they’re teens, they can put away their own laundry anyway. They can be responsible for their own cleaning up, so you really don’t have a good reason to invade their personal space. Teens need to have their own personal spaces ­ including their bedrooms, their purses or backpacks, their e-mails ­ stuff that they know is theirs alone, safe from the judgement of parents or other siblings.

So, if snooping is out of the question, we’ve got to rely on what kids tell us. There are many reasons why your teens may not disclose much information to you. The more quiet they are, the more parents push to find out what their kids think and feel. This often backfires, resulting in the teens further resistance to self-disclosure.

When they say “I don’t know”, it really may be true. Adolescence is a time of such emotional upheaval, that they really may not have a clue how to answer you. What you’re asking of them may be just too hard to explain or too embarrassing to talk about. It may just threaten the image of maturity they want to portray to the world. They may withhold information from you, knowing that you’d disapprove of their opinions or actions.

Maybe they’ve already talked out their concerns with their friends (for hours on the phone), so they don’t feel the need to share it with parents.

When teens tell you “it’s my business”, or “I wish you wouldn’t be so nosy”, they are declaring their own independence. The information may not even be important, but it is ‘their own’. When matters are not serious or scary, it’s time for you to back off and let them have the privacy they need. However, you can clearly communicate to your kids that you’ll be able to relax and hold off on the questioning if they fill you in once in awhile.

When you allow your kids appropriate privacy, you send the message of respect and confidence in them. As a general rule, kids will live up to our trust in them. There are also some other avenues of gathering information about your teens’ lives:

• Become the silent observer when you pick them up from the movie, when the kids are hanging out in your house, or when you volunteer at their school. Fade into the background, but watch and listen.
• Take note of your teen’s interests and keep up with the trends and current fads. If you genuinely express interest in their ideas, and remain non-judgmental, they’ll be happy to share their opinions with you.
• Maintain contact with the community, the school, and other families that your kids are involved with. The more you’re involved, the more you know. Remember that you’re not the only concerned parent around.
• Sharing of information among parents (without betraying confidences) can be a real source of comfort, or provide you with important clues to follow up.
• Volunteer to drive your kids and their friends to their activities. It’s amazing what you can learn from the front seat of the car. Let them choose their music, allow them to be comfortable, and before you know it, they’ll talk. You’ll see and hear so much more about your teen’s group of friends and what’s important to them.

The car can be a wonderful place to listen to your child when it’s just the two of you together. The emphasis here is on listen! The very best way to learn more about your child is to simply let them talk. Don’t interrupt. Don’t lecture. Don’t judge.

When you do have a concern about your kid’s well-being, approach him or her at a time when you know they are ‘approachable’. You will have to be patient, and look for their readiness to talk. Letting a difficult conversation happen on your teen’s time will put you way ahead of the game anyway.

Adopt an attitude of curiosity, without accusation. You don’t want your kid to immediately need to defend themselves. Even if you have to bite your tongue, it will pay you great dividends to let them talk without fearing your lectures or punishments.

Given the hazards of snooping, is there ever a time when it may be warranted? Only as a last ditch effort, when you’ve tried every other way to help your troubled teen. When there are true signs of risk to their health or safety, you may feel compelled to dig into their private lives. If your teen is obviously involved in drugs, criminal activity, or in danger of harming themselves, then his rights to privacy come second to the parental responsibility for protection. If you do snoop, then be honest about it, and take action to help your kid.

 Sharon is a mother of three and a Chartered Psychologist in private practice. She specializes in working with children and families and can be reached by e-mail at This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it .