We’ve all heard adults and children talking like this. Is bullying getting worse? Is it a new emerging trend? How many of us can remember humiliations at the hand of school yard bullies! Some of us were not only being bullied by our peers, but by adults.

Adversarial communications and "might is right" have long been the part of our western culture. In 1970, Dr. Dan Olweus, a Swedish psychologist, pioneered the first systematic study of bullying. Studies have now been done in most western countries and their findings are alarming.

• The vast majority of children, 60-70% are never involved.
• Those who bully, start early and do it consistently.
• Bullying causes victims a great deal of pain.
• Bullying is bad for bullies.
• Bullies are likely to turn into antisocial adults.
• lweus found 60% of boys who were named as bullies in grade six to nine have at least one court conviction by age 24!
• Girls tend to use very different strategies than boys. Girls value relationships and use these to manipulate one another. They spread vicious rumors so that others will reject that person or give someone the cold shoulder.

Rough and tumble play is normal behavior, but when physical or psychological meanness intrudes on that play and pain is inflicted on someone else, that is bullying. The aggression can be physical — pushes, shoves, hitting, kicking and punching or it can be verbal — name callings, taunts, threats, ridicule and insults. Bullies not only say mean things to your face, they say mean things about you to others.

What Can be Done?

It is unreasonable to expect children to work this out on their own. They need adult support. We as adults need to intervene, otherwise we are giving the message that it is O.K. to solve your problems through aggression. We need to let all the kids involved know that bullying is not O.K. "This is not acceptable behavior. You can't do this here." This is a start. In addition children need to learn new skills.

Kids Need to Learn Skills

Punishment does not help the bully. They need to learn constructive skills to help them relate to others more effectively. Violence breeds violence. Respect breeds respect.

Children need to learn how to relate to one another without hitting or using verbal taunts. Teaching social skills is the on-going job of parents, teachers, coaches and anyone who works with children. It is our responsibility to model effective anger management skills and problem solving skills. The development of these skills is far too important to be left to chance and certainly not to what we see on the mass media.

Bullies need at least one supportive adult to help them learn how to control their anger and develop more effective skills of relating to their peers. To help them:

1. When they do it — to recognize their patterns of anger. When do they have most problems in the classroom or playground?
2. Cool off! To learn to control their physical impulses. When they are angry, they need to stop, breathe and to think. They can learn to take a deep breath when they feel angry rather than lash out.
3. To problem solve when calm. They need to find positive ways of belonging to the group.
4. To encourage them. It is difficult to break habits and your young people need lots of encouragement to learn the positive skills of emotional intelligence.

What Parents Need

As parents we need to have consistent positive discipline skills. These don't come with the kids and need to be learned, and practiced again and again. "A saint is a sinner who keeps on trying!" You don't have to parent alone. In Calgary we are lucky to have many great parent education courses to help us along the way. Enroll now for the fall!

What Schools Need

In our schools, in addition to our Zero Tolerance policy, we need programs that help our young people learn to become emotionally and socially literate as well as academically literate. As a society we need to put our money where our mouth is and support our educational institutions to provide our young people with the programs they need to grow into contributing members of our society. Why wait to teach these skills in prisons?

Resources

"Taming the Dragon in Your Child" Meg Eastman, with Sydney Craft Rozen "Playground Politics" by Stanley Greenspan"Battling the School-Yard Bully" by Kim Zarzour "Big Bad Bully" Psychology Today September/ October 1995

Wilma is a mother of two and a Conflict Resolution Consultant focusing on family relationships and wellness. She can be reached at 239-5905. More Resources: Dare to Care: Bully-Proofing Your School Program is a program operated by Calgary Family Services and funded by the United Way. This program provides Elementary and Junior High Schools with a comprehensive approach to meet one criterion: to make the school environment safe for children both physically and psychologically. This program focuses on climate change and developing a caring majority in the school.

For more information on the Dare to Care: Bully Proofing Your School program, contact Calgary Family Services at 269-9888.