We can set up our children for success in any number of ways. By giving them responsibilities appropriate to their interests and abilities, we can allow them to feel proud of their accomplishments. By watching and listening to them carefully, we can encourage those activities that they feel passionate about, and will therefore more likely engender success. This one can be tricky to handle. What if your child is a passionate and skilled Nintendo player, but you’d prefer he succeeded in math or music? Balance is the key. Recognize that his sense of competence with the video games may be an important contributor to raising his self-esteem. (It may also be a highly valued social skill amongst ten-year-olds).

However, you can still encourage competence in several other areas as well. How we teach our children to deal with mistakes can also encourage the development of competence. If every mistake or setback is treated as an opportunity to learn, then there can be no failure. If children are harshly treated or criticized, they’ll be afraid to try again. If they are supported and encouraged to plan differently next time, or to fine-tune a needed skill, then mistakes can add to, rather than detract, from their growing sense of competence.

While we may unconditionally love our own children, the unfortunate truth is that the world may not. Especially as they grow older, our kids will be faced with expectations that are too difficult or unfair and they’ll have to deal with people who don’t value them “just as they are”. Peers very quickly become a hugely powerful influence on a child’s sense of competence and self-esteem. As parents, we need to respect that influence and be supportive of our children’s needs to “fit in”.

It can be enormously frustrating to discover that your competent, talented child hates himself because he’s always picked last for the baseball games at recess. Or, your smart, musical, successful daughter starts to despise herself because she hasn’t yet been approached by boys. It may be tempting to point out all their wonderful qualities, and tell them that “it’s okay, I think you’re great”. But what more could you do? Those influences will not just go away; your child’s self-esteem may suffer.Being competent is important, but even more important is being competent at the “right things”. Whether it’s basketball or soccer, dance or skating, music or computers, how is a parent to know where to direct their child’s energies?

There’s no easy answers. There is, however, one area of competence that is undeniably one of the best places to start teaching. That is social skills. A child who knows how to make and keep friends, who understands the workings of interpersonal relationships, who is able to approach others with confidence and uses good social problem-solving skills will be popular and successful. Being socially successful ensures a more satisfying experience for children at school or in any other pursuits. So, listen to your children’s concerns about friends, and do whatever you can to teach them the skills yourself, or find someone else to help them.

Pay attention to what’s important to children in your child’s age group. If all the boys do play baseball at recess, maybe it’s time to throw a ball around with your son in the backyard, so that he feels more confident in the schoolyard. Since being attractive to boys has become important to your daughter, don’t ignore her distress. Maybe it’s time to investigate what things she could do, or little changes she could make, to feel more attractive. Sometimes, as adults, we look upon the many “social crises” our children experience as being superficial, or insignificant compared to their math marks. But, these are the elements of life that will have a profound impact on how our kids evaluate themselves.