"He hit me first!" "Liar, you started it!" "Red Head, Red Head-ha ha!" "She's calling me names!" "Stop picking on me!" As parents and teachers these words are only too familiar.

How often do we wish we had some magic remedy that would stop children from hurting one another verbally and physically? It can be very painful for us as parents to see our children being picked on on the playground or in our own families.

We all want to protect our kids from the damaging effects of being bullied. Children don't come with social skills. These skills are learned and in any learning curve there are ups and downs. In the first five years of life, children are very egocentric and relate to others best one on one. Around about seven they begin to relate to their peers in groups. Their subconscious motto is "The world is other kids."

Children have an inner drive to learn how to relate to others. It's the same as learning to walk and there are bound to be a few bumps and bruises along the way. Some children are more outgoing than others and have more natural ability to get along. Others are quiet and shy.

No matter what we as adults do they may always find it challenging to be in a group. Can you recognize your child's uniqueness and respect them for who they are not what you want them to be?

Many children do have an uncanny ability to select out weaknesses in others and use these in hurtful ways. Children who are unskilled in picking up social signals from others and can't easily fit into groups may be left out, teased, or scapegoated.

Some of the questions that children are trying to work on out in the playground are - Who's my friend? Who's my rival? Who can I depend on? Who will help me? Who wants to hurt me? Who's important here? Where are the cliques and where do I fit in? Who can I trust? Children who are struggling with these issues on the playground need our help.

We have to see these difficult times are learning opportunities. It doesn't help for us to deny the situation or to overly identify with the child's feelings of pain. We need to be careful of labeling the child as a victim or bully. One wise teacher told me of a grade five boy who had been labeled as a bully by his grade two teacher. She had him in her classroom to help her out as she talked to the children and asked them to give him a chance. He lived up to her new expectations and the children saw him in a more positive, caring role.

What Can We Do To Stop The Tyrannizing Of The Timid?

1. We need to listen nonjudgmentally to their stories.

2. We need to acknowledge their feelings of hurt and rejection. "It must have hurt your feelings when Mary said you couldn't go to her birthday party!!

3.  Help your child recognize problem situations. Where and when do these difficult incidents occur?

4. Brainstorm together about what he/she can do differently next time? Let your child select what they think is the best thing to do in the situation. This expresses faith in your child's ability to solve their own problems. It may be helpful to role play a successful encounter with his opponent.

5. Teach your child to relax. If they are face to face with a bully, they need to breathe deeply and imagine they are wearing a special bully proof overcoat that allows the hurtful barbs and taunts to bounce off. When the child no longer reacts to the bully he/she may get bored and go elsewhere for fun. 

6.  It may be necessary for you to be your child's best advocate at school or in the neighborhood. After watching her daughter being humiliated for months one mom finally spoke with the other girl's mom. This had a happy ending and the tormenting stopped. Remember when children are having a hard time on the playground we need to focus on making the time when they are with us positive and supportive. Maybe it's time for that special activity, a new sport, a special outing with a friend. Build their confidence to help them find their own resources to handle difficult situations.

Never forget the three keys to parental support: encourage, encourage, encourage.

RESOURCES: PLAYGROUND POLITICS by Stanley Greenshaw BATTLING THE SCHOOL-YARD BULLY by Kim Zarzour STRESS PROOFING YOUR CHILD by Sheldon Lewis and Sheila Kay Lewis