Parents Are In Charge, Not In Control

They just don't get it. When does anybody truly have control over another human being? Let alone a child? Remember pregnancy? Kicks here, bumps there and in those later stages-permanent aches against the rib cage. No control then, no control now. Our wee ones were given the gift of free will and age has not diminished this gift, if anything, age expands it.

Remember the toddler stage? When you wished he/she would return to crawling so they wouldn't get into so much. What about those school-age years, where their likes and dislikes are registered every day in the garbage cans of the lunch rooms? And then those teen years...need I go on? Control of our children is a mistaken belief that overburdens and drives dedicated and hard-working parents crazy. So, if we are not in control, what are we in?

We are in charge! Yes, in charge to positively influence our children to take control of themselves; to teach and role-model skills of self-control. For example, children are responsible for how much they feel and express their anger. Trying to control their feelings often leads to an escalation of anger on both the child's and parent's part.

This escalation may lead to threats or acts of unintentioned physical harm. The final result-the child feels alienated and distrustful and the parent feels guilty and paralyzing shame. Who needs that burden?

Parenting is a life-long vocation that requires a marathon-like approach to caring for oneself. It requires correcting mistaken beliefs which only result in hurt and guilt.

Who in our society enjoys guilt-free parenting? It's grandparents! They rejoice in the fact that they can "just love and enjoy the kids." How do they mange this? They do it by not feeling responsible for how the kids turn out.

When parents are in charge, they, too, don't have to take on such a responsibility either. For example, in-charge parents learn to celebrate all the "partial" successes development brings. Rather than anxiously awaiting final outcomes. Improvements in marks, efforts in attitudes are noticed and praised. Therefore the focus is no longer on the child getting a "B" or an "A," but instead on encouraging and supporting their efforts to do their personal best.

When in-charge parents apply this working philosophy to themselves, they become more forgiving and loving towards themselves. And they enjoy their kids a lot more. In fact, they are the youngest, coolest grandparents around.