While the goodies are delicious, and there’s even a chance to win a few bucks, the real reason women reserve that one special night on their calendars each month is simple: They need to talk. About preschools. Marriage. Summer camps. In-laws. Movies. And the near impossibility of balancing work, homework, piano lessons and cookie baking for teacher appreciation day.

New scientific studies back up this feminine need to bond and trace it to, of all things, a chemical reaction. A group of scientists suggest women respond to stressful situations with a release of brain chemicals that trigger the need to make and maintain friendships with other women.

Tending and befriending

Drawing upon five decades of stress research, UCLA scientists have recently published their study, “Female Responses to Stress: Tend and Befriend, Not Fight or Flight,” in the journal Psychological Review. The results bode well for a woman with friends.

The study basically disputes the old theory that humans under stress have only two options: fight or flight, explains Laura Cousin Klein, Ph.D., now an assistant professor of bio-behavioral health, who was one of the five who published the findings.

Women, says Klein, have another powerful option up their sleeve when faced with demanding and traumatic situations. Under stress, women’s bodies release the hormone oxytocin, which buffers the fight-or-flight response and, moreover, encourages women to tend to children and gather with other women. The more women care and befriend, the more oxytocin is released and the more calm the women become.

This calming response, however, isn’t found in men, explains Klein, because testosterone – which men produce in boatloads when they’re under stress – seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin. Estrogen, she adds, seems to enhance it.

According to one group of ‘mom’ friends that meets to play games, their get-togethers mean both fun and serious connection. Several women from the group meet regularly for breakfast, sharing home office tips and easy laughter. Others chat during a regular early morning walk.

The value of friendship

And sometimes the talk goes deep. One member of the group, Mickie, is doing everything she can right now to help a friend whose son has cancer, and sometimes Mickie, herself, needs the caring ear of a friend. Her mom friends have offered scrip, dinners, even blood donations for her friend’s family. But they’ve also been there when Mickie could use a quick jaunt to the local coffee shop and a chat. “I’ve always known I have friends, and I’ve always known how much I care about them,” she says. “But now I know how much they care about me.”

As mothers who spend their days taking care of others, it’s important to remember just how much we need the nurturing that close friendships with other women can provide. With the arrival of a first child, women are thrust into a new and strange land of parenthood. Many potential friendships begin at local parent-education and mommy-and-me classes, where moms can share similar fears and joys of new motherhood, as well as encourage each other through rocky times.

“The importance of a ‘talking’ break is that it refreshes you and recharges you for your responsibilities,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction (New Page Books) and How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free (New Page Books). “Talking to friends gives you support, a place to blow off steam if you need it and corroboration that you’re not alone in whatever you feel right now.”

Chatting with friends also helps women appreciate their own blessings. “It’s very easy to take what we have at home on a daily basis for granted,” says Tessina. “Getting out and around others gives you ‘new eyes and ears’ to bring home, and a new perspective on your family.”

Time to vent

And sometimes talking with friends is a safe place to blow off steam, remarks Leila Heim, the mother of a 10-year-old son and a 13-year-old daughter.

Husbands often want to ‘fix’ a problem, says Heim, but other women know that sometimes there are no solutions.

“Sometimes I just want to complain about something,” confides Heim. “It’s just enormously helpful to be able to vent. There’s comfort in knowing we all have the same problems. You realize you’re not alone.”

Just be sure to choose the right person to confide in when you feel the need to vent, Tessina advises. “Venting always helps the person who’s doing it, and friends are a good place to express your frustration,” she says. “But, be careful that the people you’re talking to are capable of keeping a confidence. You don’t want your ‘blowing off steam’ to become a topic for gossip.”

Making the connection

Try these tips for building and deepening your friendships with
other women:

 - If you pick up your child at school, don’t be in a rush to leave. Sometimes that playdate you arrange with your child’s classmate can also lead to a new friendship for you.

 - Join a book club. Guaranteed coffee, treats and stimulating conversation.

 - Try a ‘chick-flick’ video night at your house, complete with popcorn. Leila Heim did just that shortly after moving into a new neighborhood. “We hardly watched the movie, we were talking so much!” she says. “And the other women really appreciated my taking the initiative and inviting them to my home.”

 - Join Parent Council at school. You’ll meet lots of friendly faces and have plenty of time to get to know other women while you plan that spring carnival.

 - Always assume the best in other people. Another woman may appear aloof or standoffish when, in fact, she may just be shy.

 - Join a church, mosque or synagogue and get involved. There’s bound to be a committee or activity that interests you, and that’s where new friendships begin.

 - Don’t wait for others to do the inviting. “You have to create opportunities for friendship,” says Heim. Set a date and make it happen. If a mom at school says “Let’s get together for coffee,” say “Great! How about Tuesday morning?”