There is nothing like a life-altering event to alienate people you thought were your friends.
It can be hard to know what to say
Often after divorce, it takes a while to get back out into the community. When you do get back out, you’ll discover that some people stay close, while others begin to look down at their phones when you walk toward them, and ‘forget’ to answer your texts. Much of the time, this is about the other person. They’re not sure what to say, so they say nothing, or they don’t want to appear to be taking sides, so they stop talking to all parties involved in the divorce.
Sometimes, it is the divorced person who isn’t sure what to say, or how to show up on their own. Going through any kind of relationship restructuring takes so much energy. A myriad of emotions can leave you feeling drained, and any energy that’s left is often spent looking after details, going to work, and supporting the kids.
There’s more than one right way to re-enter the community
There is no one way to re-enter the community after divorce. It’s okay to do it your way. That may include finding some individual counseling or finding a divorce support group. Working through your grief and challenges can help you to feel ready to get back into the more public parts of your life. Take your time.
Set clear boundaries
It may be helpful to clarify your boundaries about what break-up details you’ll share. Reliving the details with one or two close friends may feel comforting, but going over it with every person you meet can feel taxing and is not necessary. Be prepared with a few key phrases to protect your heart and your energy when well-meaning friends ask what happened or how you are doing:
“Thanks for asking. It's been rough, and we’re moving forward. I’d rather not talk much about it right now. I appreciate your understanding.”
If friends don’t respect your boundaries, it may be necessary to distance yourself from them for the short term, and potentially for the long term. Your priority needs to be looking after yourself and your kids, rather than looking after others.
Go easy on yourself
When you feel it’s time to get back out there, start small. If a friend offers to take your kids for dinner to give you some downtime, ask if you can bring dessert and join them. Getting back into social circles takes time and it’s just fine to take the easiest routes possible with the safest people. This is one time when having kids can make things easier socially because you can tag along to the kids’ activities, without having to talk much about yourself. Focus on the kids, or cheer on the team.
If friends call to take you out on the town and it feels overwhelming, rather than saying no, suggest a more low-key gathering – like heading to a movie or getting together at someone’s home for pizza.
Start fresh
You may feel that you want to make some new friends as you move forward with this new part of your life. Taking a class, learning a new hobby, or even joining a new online group can be a way of meeting new people on your own terms and starting fresh. This may also be an opportunity to reconnect with friends you knew prior to your marriage. Explore what feels right to you. Set small goals for yourself and celebrate tiny successes as you go.
Author, blogger, podcast host, and parenting expert, Julie Freedman Smith has been supporting parents across North America for 20 years. Through her company JFS Parent Education, she helps parents find relief from their everyday parenting challenges. Want to know how she can help you? Email her today: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
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