The good news is that parents can play a role in how children cope with fear, and with a little patience and understanding, children can learn to manage these big feelings with ease.
Break the task down. If a child is worried about starting school or daycare, break down the task into smaller, more manageable steps. For example, a few weeks before school starts, try getting up early and going through the motions of getting ready. Maybe walk to the school a few times to get used to commuting. Each small success builds confidence, showing children that they can handle new situations.
Managing fear through relationship. A child hearing the words, “You’re not alone, I am here with you,” can be a powerful tool when supporting their feelings. We might sound like a broken record here, but when children feel safe and connected to the adults in their lives, they are more willing to step outside of their comfort zones. Make sure that you yourself are feeling calm enough to be supporting them right now. Our kids are often very attuned to our emotions, so if they can sense we are also fearful, it will just amplify their own fear. Take a deep breath. Take a moment to collect yourself. This will help your child know that you’ve got this, and you’re there to help.
Model calm and confidence. Children often look to the adults around them for cues on how to react. If we respond to their worries with frustration, they may feel shame. But if we stay calm and supportive, we show them a healthier way to manage worries. Simple strategies, like taking a deep breath together, using brave language (“You were nervous, but you did it!”), or modeling how to try something new, even when you feel uncertain, give children powerful tools for managing their feelings.
Talk about fears openly. Talk about how fear feels in your body, talk about what it sounds like, talk about your experiences with it, and what tools you use when you are nervous. The tricky part about fear is that it can feel so all-consuming in the moment. By tackling what it feels, looks, and sounds like when they aren’t in the middle of feeling it, you are making it more manageable and less scary. By talking to your child and sharing with them, it helps them to realize they aren’t the only one who has ever felt this way.
Debrief and make a plan. Despite all our best practice and teaching, fears can still pop up in the most unexpected of ways. Don’t be afraid to talk to your child about it after they are calm and collected. “I could tell you felt really nervous. I want to help you feel better about that next time. Let’s make a plan so next time doesn’t feel so scary!” Get their input. What do they need to feel brave in that scenario? What do they need from you in those moments? By talking about our child’s fears and helping them problem-solve, we show them that being afraid is no big deal and they can prepare for the next time they feel that way.
Be a safe haven. The ultimate goal for a parent is to be a safe haven. Build up your child’s bravery, resiliency, and curiosity so that they feel ready to explore the world. But always be waiting, ready with open arms, to accept them back when they need your support, guidance, advice, or comforting hugs. We all feel braver when we know that someone has our back or is always there to catch us when we fall. Be that safe haven, and they will feel brave enough to venture out into the world.
By creating safe relationships, breaking challenges into small steps, and modeling calm confidence, parents and educators can help children build the courage to face their fears head-on. In doing so, we give kids one of the greatest gifts: the belief that they are capable, strong, and not alone in their journey.
Ashlee and Lisa are child psychologists who created KidsConnect Psychology as a place for children and families to access tools, supports, and therapy. Check out our website for digital downloads, parenting tool kits, information about our parent counselling, school consultations, daycare consultations and more! kidsconnectpsychology.com. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram at KidsConnect Psychology.
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