You park in front of your child’s daycare and immediately feel a knot in your stomach. Your phone rings, and you see the school’s number on the screen. Your heart leaps into your throat.
What are they going to tell me now?
Whether it is hitting, biting, throwing, running away, or refusing to follow directions, many parents have experienced difficult feedback about their child’s behavior at school or daycare. It can be hard to know what to do with that information. Why did it happen? What does it mean? And, most importantly, how can we help?
When we hear about challenging behavior, it is easy to focus on what we can see. We see the child who yells, pushes, runs away, or refuses to participate. But what we don't immediately see is why the child is struggling. What if we paused and looked a little closer?
Behavior can be communication
Children do not always have the skills to communicate that they are overwhelmed, tired, frustrated, confused, disappointed, or need help. Behavior can be one way they communicate a need.
A child who refuses to clean up may be having a difficult time stopping an activity they are enjoying. A child who runs away during a transition may be overwhelmed by noise or a busy environment. A child who hits when another child has a toy may not yet know how to ask for a turn or handle disappointment.
This doesn't mean that challenging or unsafe behavior should be ignored. Children still need clear boundaries and consistent expectations. The difference is that when we understand the possible reasons behind behavior, we can respond with teaching and support rather than only consequences or frustration.
Get curious about the “why”
When a behavior happens at school or daycare, there are three questions that can help us understand what may have contributed to the situation:
What happened before?
Was the child asked to stop a preferred activity? Was there a transition? Was the environment noisy or crowded? Did another child approach them?
What was the child being asked to do?
Was the expectation developmentally appropriate? Did the child understand the direction? Did they have the skills needed to do it independently?
What happened after the behavior?
Did the child receive help from an adult? Did a difficult activity stop? Did they gain access to something they wanted or get space from an overwhelming situation?
These questions aren't about finding someone to blame. They help us understand the context and identify what the child may need.
Behavior is an opportunity to teach
Once we understand what may be contributing to a behavior, we can think about the skills that need to be taught or supported. Teaching can happen at home, as well as in the classroom, so it’s important for teachers and classroom educators to work together on strengthening a child’s skillset.
For example, imagine your child's teacher tells you that your child hit another child after they couldn't have a toy. Instead of focusing only on the hitting, we can ask: Did my child know how to ask for a turn?
Did they know what to do when the other child said no? Could they wait or ask an adult for help? At home and at school, adults can practice words for asking for a turn, waiting, turn-taking, and getting help when something feels frustrating.
The same approach can help with transition struggles. A child who becomes silly or distracted while getting ready to go outside may be excited, overwhelmed by a crowded and noisy coat area, or struggling to manage a multi-step routine. Rather than assuming they are simply “not listening,” we can break the routine into smaller steps, use visual reminders, give warnings before transitions, or provide additional support. At home, families can practice skills such as putting on shoes, doing up a zipper, or following a simple sequence of steps. Sometimes the environment needs to change, too. A child may benefit from fewer distractions, more movement, a quieter space, clearer directions, or additional adult support.
Don’t forget to share any good strategies or tools with your child’s classroom teacher or caregiver. They might be able to use these ideas in the classroom, and may have a couple ideas for you to try out at home.
Changing our lens
Most importantly, we should be careful about assuming that behavior is intentional or that a child is choosing not to cooperate. Children are still developing communication, emotional regulation, attention, flexibility, and problem-solving skills. What looks like defiance may actually be a skill that hasn't developed yet. While it may be hard for us to hear that our child is struggling in their classroom, instead of placing blame we can approach this as an opportunity to help our child learn the skills they need to be a happy, regulated and connected member of their classroom environment.
Ashlee and Lisa are child psychologists who created KidsConnect Psychology as a place for children and families to access tools, supports, and therapy. Check out our website for digital downloads, parenting tool kits, information about our parent counselling, school consultations, daycare consultations, and more! www.kidsconnectpsychology.com. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram at KidsConnect Psychology.
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