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Written by: Joanna Piekarski, M. Ed., R. Psych and Lara Higgins
“Help! I don’t know how to get him to do his homework and getting him to study for his test is like pulling teeth,” proclaimed a parent about her son in Grade 4 during a parent consultation.
As a psychologist, this is a concern I hear from hundreds of caregivers. Parents often reminisce about the Kindergarten years being so easy in comparison. In Kindergarten, the focus is largely on developing foundational social-emotional skills like turn-taking, sharing, and basic problem-solving with peers. However, as academic demands increase throughout the school years, so do the power struggles around homework, studying, and other school responsibilities.
So how do we foster independent learners who initiate and complete school-related tasks without constant reminders, negotiations, or opposition?
Here are some proactive strategies that can help.
- Instil the value and importance of learning early on. It's one thing to talk about your love of learning in front of your child, but it's even more powerful to model it. According to social learning theory, children learn by observing the actions and reactions of the people around them. So what are you modelling when you're learning something new? Are you modelling boredom, dissatisfaction, or frustration? Or are you excited about learning? Are you jazzed when you hear a new fact? Are you thrilled when others show you a new skill? Does your child observe your enjoyment of reading? If you react to learning with excitement, it’s likely that your child will adopt a love for learning as well.
- Teach a growth mindset. Building independence starts with a growth mindset. When you teach a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset to your child, you are modeling that mistakes help us grow, and that putting in an effort to try matters more than the outcome of perfection. Instead of praising only outcomes (ie., "You're so smart!"), make sure to praise the process ("You kept trying even when it was hard."). Help your child notice when something feels challenging by adding the word “yet.” For example: "I can't do long division… yet." These are key messages a child needs to affirm for themselves in order to become independent learners.
- Let them experience natural consequences… and sometimes failure. This can be one of the hardest things for caregivers to do because, of course, we want our children to be happy and successful. Watching them struggle or fail can feel very stressful. As a result, we may try to prevent failure at all costs. The problem here is that by doing everything to prevent failure, we may actually be reinforcing detrimental habits. For example, if your child has a science project due the next day and they haven’t started the project, we may panic and be tempted to complete part of the project for them. But what is this teaching them? It’s teaching them that they can continue leaving things to the last minute because we are going to step in and finish the project for them.
- Use scaffolding when teaching new skills, topics, or subjects. Scaffolding is when a parent or caregiver provides just enough support to help a child learn a new skill, then gradually fades that support as the child showcases mastery of the skill. For example, when learning to read, a parent might sound out words with their child at first, then encourage them to try independently. As the child's skills grow, the parent steps back, allowing the child to do more on their own. This means that we may have to step back sooner than we think if we really want to foster independence. The more we hover over our children to get a task completed and the more we expect perfection, the more resistance we may experience from them.
- Use external supports when needed. My husband often recounts an experience from when he was in the fourth grade, and he was sitting with his dad who was desperately trying to teach him long division. He remembers both him and his dad being visibly frustrated and the experience going poorly. Sometimes, it's simply not worth trying to be your child's teacher, especially if it creates tension for either of you. If a child feels tension, their stress response will prevent them from learning anything new and you will continue to revolve around this circle of frustration. There is a simple solution to the scenario above: Hire external support, such as a tutor. A fresh, trained, and unbiased person can often teach the same concept in a way that supports their needs while preserving your relationship.
So if you want to raise an independent learner, focus on instilling the value of learning early on, scaffolding when teaching something new, encouraging a growth mindset, experiencing consequences and failures, and using external supports when needed.
Joanna (Registered Psychologist and Child Mental Health Advocate) and Lara (Learning and Design Specialist) started Psyched About Kids (PAK) in 2016 because they are obsessed with human potential! PAK empowers parents with science-backed knowledge, strategies, and tools to solve our most pressing parenting issues today and make life a little easier, along with ongoing support to implement the desired change. Learn more at psychedaboutkids.com.
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