There have been an increasing number of children being diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) over the past few decades. Part of the reason for this increase has been an increased awareness of neurodiversity, which has also been associated with improvements in how educators, medical professionals, and parents interact with these children.
Collectively, ASD and ADHD are considered to be neurodivergent conditions. Neurodivergence is exactly what it sounds like – it is a situation in which an individual’s brain essentially works in a manner that does not always align with the more “typical” (neurotypical) population. Historically, neurodivergence has been seen as being a challenge. However, new approaches to neurodivergence suggest that there are a lot of strengths and unique characteristics that individuals with these conditions offer.
Because we are becoming more aware of neurodiversity in the population, more and more adults are receiving proper diagnoses. Many of these adults either are or will become parents of children who are also neurodivergent. So, how does the neurodivergent parent experience being a parent, while at the same time managing and working through their own unique situations with their neurodivergent children?
The first thing to consider is that there is very often a sense of guilt associated with neurodivergent parents who have neurodivergent children. We know that there are genetic and environmental factors that underlie neurodivergence. In my practice, I have seen many parents who feel that they somehow caused their child to have ASD or ADHD because of genetic reasons, or perhaps because of how they raised their children.
Of course, this may or may not be the case, but regardless, most parents feel that they have somehow done something wrong. This is based on a fallacy, which is that human neurodiversity itself is somehow wrong. Of course, there are challenges associated with neurodivergence, but neurodivergent people often think about things and solve problems in unique, creative ways.
That said, it can be very challenging for a neurodivergent parent to have a child with their own unique needs. For instance, one of the most common symptoms of ASD and ADHD is extreme sensory sensitivity (sound, texture, tastes, and so on). If you are a parent who is sensitive to noise because of your own neurodivergence, this can create a very challenging situation because all children can be loud at times.
One of the protective factors for people across the neurodiversity spectrum is a reliance on routine. However, routine is one of the first things to go out the window when we have children, regardless of our own needs. Children get sick, oversleep, undersleep, have difficulties eating in public, get overwhelmed while grocery shopping, and so on. Parents often need to readjust the schedule, but for neurodivergent parents, even small changes to routine can be very distressing.
As a neurodivergent parent, there can also be challenges associated with anxiety. Perhaps one of most common fears is for the child's well-being because of the way that the parent had been raised themselves. A generation ago, neurodivergence was not particularly well-understood or well-managed in many school and community environments. Fortunately, there have been significant changes in these areas, but when a neurodivergent child starts school, parents may be very fearful for their child's well-being.
One of the things I hear very frequently from my clients is that they experience guilt and frustration when trying to find time to rest and relax. Many neurodivergent people thrive with alone time. It is difficult to have alone time, however, when you have a child who requires additional attention.
On the other hand, there are certain strengths associated with neurodivergence that need to be considered. For instance, because of your own experiences, you may be a strong and effective advocate for your child. You can also have empathy for your child in a way that other parents may not. Depending on the way your neurodivergence expresses itself, you may be highly routine and systems-based. Using this innate skill can help you establish clear boundaries and a comfortable routine for your child in a compassionate and fair way. Finally, neurodivergent parents may also have a strong sense of justice, which may make you a strong advocate for your child and can help you find support from your community.
So, if you are a neurodivergent parent, fear not! While there are certainly some challenges, you are uniquely situated to support your unique child!
Strategies for your neurodiverse household
Every person’s neurodivergence is different. Your child’s behaviors may not (and likely will not) be the same as yours, which may be frustrating for you. Try to remember – they are just learning about their own uniqueness, and will need a bit of emotional space and patience to do so.
Try to have an age-appropriate conversation with your child about your experiences. While this may highlight differences between yourself and your child, it will also help them understand their own unique traits in an accepting manner.
Your need for sensory input and that of your child’s may not overlap. They may need touch, while you may be highly uncomfortable with touch. You can express your discomfort to your child to help you both learn how to communicate your needs better, but at the same time, make the choice to engage in touch in a way that meets your child’s needs and keeps your own comfort level manageable.
The same can be said for any sensory input. For instance, some neurodivergent individuals may enjoy very spicy flavors or specific textures, while others may not enjoy those same sensations – making meal prep a real challenge! Do what you can to discuss meal preparation as a family, along with ways to accommodate each other’s needs.
Find ways to make space for yourself when you’re overwhelmed. Along the same lines, neurodivergent children may not be able to regulate their emotions nor their behaviors, so they may, for instance, scream or make otherwise loud noises that you, as the parent, may find to be highly triggering. It is okay to tell your child what is happening and that you need to care for yourself, too. Noise-canceling earbuds or the use of soft fidgets (for tactile sensitivities) may be effective at home, as well as at the workplace.
Managing special interests can also be challenging. When one person only wants to talk about Pokémon while the other only wants to talk about Bridgerton, conflict will be inevitable. Where possible, build and develop a ‘code’ over time to let one another know when one person’s discussion of special interest is becoming too much and may need to be redirected, at least temporarily.
Keep in mind that all relationships are like experiments. We try different things and observe the results, which sometimes are what we expect, but many times are not. In either case, the core is that we are constantly learning. Highlight the learning as much as possible, so that no relationship experiment is perceived as being a failure.
Use your resources. No family is an island. There are numerous support groups in Calgary, though exercise caution with online chats and groups – as noted, one person’s experience with neurodivergence may not reflect your own. Family, friends, coworkers, schools, and other groups are all there to act as supports, and can provide you with a moment of reflection when necessary.
Dr. Brent Macdonald is a frequent guest on CBC, Global Television, Breakfast Television, and CTV. He is currently the lead psychologist with Onward Psychology Group (onwardpsychology.ca), which, in addition to providing counselling and assessment services, also provides consultation services to educators and parents.
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