Generally, parents intuitively sense when something their child hears or sees is beyond what they’re ready for or doesn’t quite align with their family values, but knowing how to respond in the moment isn’t always clear.
Navigating when and how to censor or address sensitive topics like swearing, scary movies, and other adult content is something many caregivers have questions about: is my child too young to learn about this? When do they start picking up on what they’re hearing around them? What’s a developmentally appropriate way to respond? Will I harm them if I talk about this too early, or avoid it altogether?
As soon as children reach a key cognitive milestone called inferencing, they can pick up on many adult conversations. Inferencing is when a child uses cues (these can be obvious or subtle) to identify a relationship between two items or topics.
For example, I was chatting with my sister about my nephew’s third birthday dinosaur party theme. My nephew, who was playing on the carpet with his toys and seemingly fully engaged in his own play, casually turned to me and said, “Are you going to get dino balloons for my birthday?” My nephew identified a relationship between dinosaurs and his birthday, and asked an appropriate question based on this connection.
Basic inferencing typically begins during the preschool years, while more complex inferencing occurs between the ages of seven to nine. In other words, children begin picking up on what they hear and making sense of it as early as age two-and-a-half.
There are many factors to consider when thinking about how to address sensitive topics, but let’s address a few important considerations:
We can only be the gatekeeper of informationfor so long.
As caregivers, we are always trying to protect our children. We censor information or media that we feel is too scary or sensitive based on our family values, along with age and stage of development. In the early years, children under the age of seven have a difficult time distinguishing between fantasy and reality. Because of this, their brains can perceive threats in a scary movie as if they are real. Children between the ages of seven to nine have strong emotional reactions to scary movies, even though they start distinguishing fantasy from reality. Because of the impact on brain development, it’s appropriate to restrict access to sensitive topics or media in our homes. However, as soon as a child starts making friends or attending school, they will inevitably be exposed to a variety of different topics, regardless of how much we try to limit their exposure. When a child has an older sibling, mature information may be even more accessible. In other words, while we can reduce exposure, we can’t fully control it. We cannot stop them from being exposed, no matter how hard we try to protect them, and that’s okay. This is where our role begins to shift, as children grow and mature. Many caregivers focus on the source of where their child receives sensitive information, but what also matters is how we respond when a child shares their genuine curiosity.
We can validate curiosity without bringing on shame.
The way caregivers respond to controversial, sensitive, or mature content matters the most. Let’s use this story as an example: Imagine your three-year-old child drops a potato off their plate, and, perfectly in context exclaims: oh, f-word! You may have a variety of reactions – from laughter, to ignoring the comment out of discomfort, to immediate scolding.
When a child is made to feel shame expressing curiosity about potentially sensitive words or topics, they may begin to hide or lie about their interests, and may also experience lower self-esteem. Instead of scolding or shaming your child, validate their curiosity, set a limit, and offer a more suitable replacement behavior. Here’s a response to consider: “You used a new word because you were frustrated when you dropped your potato. That is not a kind word, and we’re not allowed to use it. If you are frustrated, you can say, ‘Oh, chicken nuggets!’”
Talk about, model, and reference your values daily, especially when setting limits.
Let’s say your first grader comes home from school and says, “I want to play the game Poppy Playtime (a popular horror adventure video game). Brayden always gets to play it.” Validate the curiosity, share your limits, and reference an important value: “I see you’re curious about Poppy Playtime, especially because Brayden plays it. We won’t be playing that game. Your brain is not ready for that yet. We want to keep your brain strong and healthy. We can play (a more appropriate alternative).” Having conversations that validate curiosity while clearly setting limits will empower kids to live into your shared values and teach them how to set their own boundaries with others when needed.
Children are naturally curious, and their brains are constantly making connections about the world around them. While caregivers cannot control every exposure to mature topics, they can control how they respond when curiosity arises. By validating curiosity and modelling family values, children will eventually learn critical thinking skills and feel confident navigating big topics on their own.
Joanna (Registered Psychologist and Child Mental Health Advocate) and Lara (Learning and Design Specialist) started Psyched About Kids (PAK) in 2016 because they are obsessed with human potential! PAK empowers parents with science-backed knowledge, strategies, and tools to solve our most pressing parenting issues today and make life a little easier, along with ongoing support to implement the desired change. Small actions over time can have an unimaginable impact on child growth and development for lifelong health and wellness. Learn more at psychedaboutkids.com.
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