Being a member of a busy family can sometimes feel like you are just ships in the night. Everyone is headed to work, school, baseball, dance practice, a night out with a friend, book club, or to the grocery store. It can feel daunting to add one more thing to the to-do list: rituals of connection. But here’s a secret. The most powerful moments of connection don’t happen during the big, planned-out moments. They are the small, repeated moments of everyday life. They are the weekly family rituals.
They are the seasonal traditions. They are the repair rituals where we reconnect after conflict. Don’t let the stiff, stuffy words “rituals of connection” scare you away from creating more of these. They are meaningful, often small, interactions that help family members feel emotionally seen and valued. Let’s break it down so it feels a bit more manageable.
Daily Connections
Bids for Connection: All family members are constantly making “bids” for connection and attention, often in very subtle ways. “Mom, listen to my story,” “Dad, look at my drawing,” “Mom, I got a scrape on my knee. No look, it’s right there!” Dr John Gottman, a world-renowned relationship psychologist says that the average toddler will make 16 bids for connection per hour to their mother!
The tricky thing is, if our bids for connection are not responded to, we stop bidding as often. As kids get older, they become more embarrassed or ashamed if their bids are rejected and they are less likely to come forward and initiate with us. So, keep those responses open and available! Listen to the stories, look at the cuts, and notice when they are bidding for your connection. The more you show that you value their bids as children, the more they will continue to want to connect with you as pre-teens and teenagers.
Daily rituals: Keep this part simple. Do daily check-ins of highs and lows at the dinner table. Have special little rituals embedded in the bedtime routine. Have a daily chore you always do together, like the dinner dishes. It doesn’t have to be fancy. You can layer connection into the daily jobs you have to get done and, by including the other family members, those jobs will probably feel like they go by faster for you as well because you have company and connection!
Weekly Family Rituals
Family game night, pizza night, nature walk around your local reservoir… all of these small activities take us out of the hustle and bustle of daily life and open up moments for connection. This is a really wonderful way to explore each other’s interests as well. Is one family member really into bike riding? Is another a Minecraft aficionado? Does another really enjoy birdwatching? We aren’t saying you have to become obsessed with each other’s hobbies, but there is something nice about others joining you in the thing you are interested in. Each weekend, make a plan to join and explore the hobby of a family member. This helps create feelings of being seen and valued for your specific interests.
Seasonal Traditions
We are sure that if we took a poll right now, everyone could tell us a favorite childhood memory from a holiday or birthday. Whether that was a special food only made at that time, a fancy birthday plate, special decorations that only came out for that occasion, or music that evokes feelings of happiness and togetherness. By creating these moments connected to yearly events like holidays, birthdays, or family vacations, everyone starts to feel excited looking forward to those, and it builds positive connection, meaning, and belonging.
Repair Rituals
Let’s be honest. Conflict happens. Words are misunderstood, intentions are misinterpreted, and long days lead to heated responses. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about having ways to reconnect with reassurance and care. It’s a walk around the block together. It’s a quick drive to the ice cream shop down the street. It’s a snuggle in bed watching funny animal reels.
Along with this, you should never feel like these rituals are hard to maintain or like you are failing. Rituals will be missed sometimes. The rhythms of a family will change. If your children bring up, “Remember when we did that? I really miss it,” respond with, “Yeah, I do too. Let’s try again soon.” The goal is connection, not perfection.
Strong and sturdy families aren’t built through grand gestures or elaborate, expensive plans. It’s the small, repeated moments of connection over time. We know it can feel challenging to build in one more routine, but we promise that after every shared experience, every collaborative moment of joy, every eager “Can we do this again soon?!” these moments will feel more natural and less planned. With every ritual, connection and shared joy moment, you are teaching your child that they are safe, valued, and emotionally seen by you and all other family members. These small moments make lasting connections.
THE FOUR TYPES OF FAMILY RITUALS
4 Ways Families Build Connection
Ashlee and Lisa are child psychologists who created KidsConnect Psychology as a place for children and families to access tools, supports, and therapy. Check out our website for digital downloads, parenting tool kits, information about our parent counselling, school consultations, daycare consultations and more! kidsconnectpsychology.com. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram at KidsConnect Psychology.
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